shaken
written on August 27, 2022
it’s been almost 6 months since I last posted, and an entire section of life had opened and closed in that time and I’d like to think that I’ve grown.
[ this update is to voice my thoughts, and might not make a lot of sense
to many people. if you want more of a general life/spiritual update, wait for
the next post ]
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to (y)ou:
I realized many things after cutting you out of my life, the first being that my spiritual and emotional health is much better when you’re not around.
I think I knew this from the beginning, with my priorities and judgment being clouded with you around. Instinctively, I knew it was a bad idea to stay close to you after what had happened. I guess I was so scared to lose you that I held you close with an unclean conscience. I didn’t expect this relationship to fall so fast.
This time it was harder to see that my priorities had gotten out of whack because it happened more slowly. But during my trip to London, it truly hit me that in my mind, I treated myself as your servant. You were my top priorit , and I refused to think straight because I set that to be the first truth. But I felt disrespected when I was sick and you’d only text to rant or only call because you wanted something from me. When I told you I was miserable and you told me I should sleep.
But that’s done now. We ended it. Given its similarities to my last relationship, I’m actually pretty proud that this ended where it did (sorry for the crappy circumstance). I think that if it had gone any further, it would have been significantly more difficult to end things, and that it would have been much easier to just go with the flow until we crashed and burned.
In the month without you in my life, I had a lot more clarity in my relationship with God. I was reminded more about how God’s been working in my life to bring me to a place where I can serve him in my day-to-day at work, and how he’s shown me my “calling” (or at least, how He wants me to serve Him in my vocation). I’ve felt a lot more joy from God because I’m able to come before him without trying to hide a big chunk of my life. I feel peace in God’s presence and I’m able to worship Him freely. Spiritually, I can see that this relationship was bad for me.
Seeing you for the first time since then has been a little hard. Learning that you’re a trigger for me has been difficult to accept. I thought that I would be able to just ignore you, but the way you smell makes it impossible to forget about your presence. I want to keep my distance because I know that s what’s better for me. Being physically close to you is an invitation for dissociation and spiraling I don’t need.
I still miss you though. I still miss having someone to rely on emotionally. I still miss having you close to me and being able to relate on the random things. But I’m also so scared that I might walk back into that. I’m scared that something will happen and that I won’t be able to keep the lines that I ve drawn. I know that the lines are where they need to be, but my resolve is so weak that even being slightly challenged will make it give out. So I’m scared that we’ll fall back to where we were before because I know it’ll be immediately gratifying but disastrous in all other ways.
As a cherry on top though, it’s difficult for me to keep a pure heart when I see you because your flaws seem so apparent to me. I see your sins manifest and they continue to irritate me. Maybe this is the same for you looking at me…
Anyways… I don’t know. I hope this is a wound that heals and not festers :’)
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