sanctification
written on December 11, 2021
i decided to surrender my life to God again, and with this decision, God began to teach me how to live for him from the very basics.
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first: say bye to the man tying me to my trauma. second: survive as my heart tells me i’m worthless when not giving pleasure to men
it was a daily struggle to simply do the basics of life – eat, sleep, shower.
eat. sleep. shower.
for three weeks, these were the only things i focused on. sometimes i even failed at these basic tasks, and i wasn’t sure i would be alive through the night.
Thank you God, for the sisters and brothers (and couches) you’ve provided (:
i survived day to day couch-surfing and relying on others to keep me accountable to my eat, sleep, shower routine.
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for a bit, i was away. away from the normal life of berkeley and college life. during this vacation, i heard a sermon on the following verse:
“Give us this day our daily bread.” -Matthew 6:11
our daily bread. God, i trust that you’ll provide just enough to get me through today. i trust that you’ll provide for tomorrow when tomorrow comes, and today i’ll know you’ll be faithful to provide enough grace for today.
though it was hard, my mindset had already shifted to rely on God to help me survive. now my life was grounded in God and His faithfulness.
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then came the next layer. in a random conversation, AL mentioned how the quote following quote changed how he lived his life
“right now counts forever” –R. C. Sproul
there is no such thing as a meaningless moment, and everything we think, do, or say today will matter forever. this truth should dictate how i live every moment, living as i would for God. i should make each decision being faithful to God, not just relying on God for every day but ensuring that each moment was for God.
this last lesson is one that i’m still struggling to apply to my life, and i m sure it will take a while before i can confidently say that i live every moment for God.
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well…
God is faithful.
God is teaching me how to live for Him again, and i will be obedient in following Him. i still struggle with my screwed-up moral compass, intrusive thoughts, apathy, and many other things. but God has been faithful to me and in turn, i will obey His will and trust in Him.
God, you are good. You are Love. You are more than i could ever imagine.
i’m still lost, but i thank you for your plan.
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“For whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything.”
– 1 John 3:20
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