oh what a child
written on October 25, 2020
i’ve returned to square one again. the conviction from the night before i committed to following God is the same one that He’s breaking me over again. back then, apathy masked its effect on me but this time i was utterly broken. alone in the dark, foreign room sobbing over who knows what. a reminder that i still had so much to work on.
but then it was back. the numbness slowly creeped back into my body, overpowering my feeble attempts to engage in what DM was sharing with me. as she became more vulnerable, i grew even more detached. unable to meet her eye , i sat there cold and emotionless as she spoke affirmations over me. her heart broke for me, but mine was nowhere to be found.
affirmations:
• not mine to hold
• stolen, not given
• mother
• Father
returning home, i was drained. there was no more energy or willpower to do anything. i postponed all my schedules because i couldn’t even pretend to be engaged. in the span of two hours, i had reached a new height of emotions and fallen to the lowest i had been in nearly a year. it was too much.
that day, i had a random thought cross my head, thanking God that my nails were painted haha. sounds really random until you understand that they almost acted like knife guards, preventing myself from subconsciously breaking skin on my arms. well on tuesday, my nails weren’t painted anymore. when the urge became unbearable, i decided to go outside to run. what a joke. ran five miles and felt like passing out but the urge was still present. oh well. ig i’ll be living with nssi again. fun.
the week went on, as it always does.
i spoke to people, pretended to empathize. got complimented on how vulnerable i was, all while i was barricading my current struggles behind walls i wouldn’t dare reveal. the more people there were, the happier i pretended to be. when people reached out to me, i didn’t refuse. after all, isn’t that what i had wanted? nothing is ever too much! but now next week seems overwhelming. i dread it. after each of these meetings, i’m so drained. there’s nothing in me that wants to do anything. i have a mountain of school work, but i don’t have the energy to even start it. but still, i can’t refuse people who reach out to me (:
HL messaged me today, saying that she heard i was doing well. yay me! she’s been there through many of my depressed days but she’s in Boston now, she doesn’t need to know. so of course, i’m doing well (:
the facade is back. i’m ironically thankful that i can hide.
physical health is going down too. i always get sick around this time of yea , nothing too bad but enough to leave me feeling somewhat unwell for two months. great timing with my second wave of midterms lol
seems like i’m going down in every way, physical, emotional, mental, and academic. great!
(not) excited for next week!
people: my paul’s, silvanus’s, and timothy’s. don’t forget to check in, pour out, and express gratitude because they could be gone in a moment.
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