motivation
written on February 12, 2020
I’m struggling, it’s nothing new. I’m okay, because what else can I be? I’ve always struggled like this, so it’s the norm now. I’ve gotten used to suffering, and I’ve gotten used to not being okay. I would say I’m not doing too bad — I’m alive, aren’t I?
Two weeks ago, I was at one of my best times. Yes, I would spiral but I could cut my spiral off before it got too bad. I was able to hold on to the power of the Holy Spirit in me and speak truth into myself. I was able to use the name of Jesus to rebuke the devil for trying to attack me. Not only did I rely on Jesus, I used to power that He had provided me to overcome the lies of the devil. I was saturated with the Holy Spirit and it was easier for me to have confidence in the power of the Holy Spirit and the name of Jesus. Of course, it wasn’t perfect. I had ‘confidence’, but I’m sure compared to other naturally-confident people it was nothing. But I could open my mouth and defy the devil. That was enough for me, and that was enough for the devil to get the message and back off for a while. I dislike rating things, and I’m often unable to do so without a clear scale and marker for what is each level, but I would say that this period of time was near the top of my scale from 1-10. I was doing well.
Right now, I’m not doing so well. I’m spiraling frequently and I don’t know how to stop it. I end up falling as far as the devil can lead me before I break, and only come back up once it seems like I can’t go downhill anymore. It’s not the worst it’s been. Friday, Jan. 10th had been an extremely bad spiral, one of the worst. It had brought me to the edge and I was so desperate to jump off, only held back by my brothers- and sisters-in-Christ that refused to leave me alone until I was safe asleep and unable to do anything harmful to myself. It’s not that bad right now. It can be better than this, but more than that, it can definitely be worse. So I’m grateful that I’m not doing that bad right now. On other people’s scales, I would probably be in a pretty bad place right now, but for me, I’m used to it. I mostly don’t mind. I guess right now, I’m around the middle of my scale from -10. Hm… maybe a little bit lower than the middle, because of the nightmares that plague my sleep.
Nowadays, I’ve been waking up terrified in the middle of the night because of memories that overwhelm me in my dreams. I’m hyperventilating when I wake up and it takes a while to calm down. When I do, I’m so tired that I end up falling asleep again, but it’s restless and I end up waking up a couple more times in the same manner before it’s too late to go back to sleep.
Anyways, I’m not doing well, but I guess it’s okay. This mindset has been a problem though. Because I keep thinking that I’m okay (I believe it), I lose my motivation to heal. I think to myself and question: why do I need to heal? what’s the point? why did I want to heal so desperately? It was through talking with a sister-in-Christ that I came to a realization. I’ve been living life within the scale from 1-10, with 10 being the best that I’ve been. However, I felt and saw beyond that last August. I saw how I could live, filled by the peace of God that surpasses all understanding and the joy that is inexpressible.
It was the better than the top of my scale to 10, it was at the top of a scale from 1-100. I was doing better than I had ever imagined, and that‘s why I wanted to be healed. I didn’t want to live confined to the scale from 1 10 when I had experienced 100. I wanted to live a life that was constantly hitting the upper bounds of 100, filled with the Holy Spirit and by the peace of God that surpasses all understanding. Having experienced this, I wanted to heal and get rid of the trauma that shackled me to the single-digits and deluded me into thinking that 10 was good.
I had forgotten what it felt like to be filled with the joy and peace that is from God, and that’s why I had lost the will to heal. I’m writing this down because I will forget this again. I know with my dumb brain, I’m going to cycle back to this place, not knowing the reason for why I was striving so hard to heal. However, I’ll look back onto this and remind myself: there is a reason why I was so desperate to heal. I’m not that desperate right now, but I know there is a reason and I won’t give up on healing.
There was another thing that I was reminded of. When I had first told pb about my trauma and we had a prayer session, he had asked me what I wanted to get out of being healed. He asked me what ‘being healed’ meant to me, personally. I had never thought about it before, but after a bit of thinking, I replied that I wanted God to be able to use my full, raw testimony. I wanted what I had gone through to be used by God to make an impact on someone else’s life. I don’t know why I answered that, and I don’t know why it mattered so much to me that I would be able to tell my testimony to other people, but it did.
At Bible study last night, there were only four of us. It was by truly God’s planning that this particular group ended up here, and God spoke. We all shared how we had been doing, and God chose to speak to me through JL. She talked about how I was going through things with the Holy Spirit in me, and that there was probably someone out there who was going through the exact same things, except without the Holy Spirit. With this first part, I was deeply grateful that God was there to guide me through my suffering. Even though I asked God where are you? and God are you even here?, I knew that He was always with me and knew exactly what I was going through. She continued to talk about how God could use my experiences to speak to another person that had gone through similar things. It spoke so much to what I had set as my goal, except in a way where it hit me yet again. It wasn’t I want my testimony to be used but I want to help other people with my testimony. Very small nuances, but it made a difference to me.
God has really been speaking to me, and I thank you LORD for revealing to me more and more of what you see.
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