i'm struggling
written on March 10, 2022
grief
deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death.
The first step of grief is denial. How fitting. I still find myself wishing that someone would come tell me that there’s nothing wrong with me, that this was all a mistake, that I can still live the normal, mundane life that I’ve always dreamed of.
God, I don’t want to be special. I don’t want to stand out. I simply want to be a cog in the wheel, unnoticed but still useful.
[redacted] I thought I had given up control over my life when I gave it to you Lord, but I didn’t expect… this. [redacted] Even the most mundane 9-5 life might not be achievable.
[redacted]
I want to isolate myself, hide in a dark room. Hide, where I can wallow in my sorrows and no one can reach me or touch me. Hide, where I don’t have to pretend to be okay or consider how I might affect other people. Hide, where I can feel free to be destructive without the nagging in the back of my mind that tells me I need to stay presentable. I just want to hide somewhere it’s safe to feel without being ashamed. I just want to hide. I just want to… disappear.
God, I’m so tired from the struggle it is to follow you. God, you are good. God, your ways are higher than my own, so help me continue to submit and follow you.
I’m so tired of not being okay. I just want to be okay.
God, how am I supposed to glorify you with this struggle? How is this struggle glorifying to you? How do I fight through this and learn to heal while obeying your word? Why does obedience to your word mean that I have to struggle through this?
I just want to run away. Go somewhere where no one knows me, no one can keep me accountable to facing my problems. Run away to a place where no one will check up on me, no one will care whether I am thriving or surviving. Somewhere far away, where no one will even notice if I haven’t moved from the bed in a week, if I haven’t left the room in a month. I just want to… disappear.
I want to be functional, I want to pretend that everything is okay. I want to meet with people and connect with them, have them think that nothing is going wrong in my life. I want to be on top of school and life so that I can be the example that people point to. I want to live that perfect life, the one that s full of thriving, not just surviving. I want to serve you in ministry Lord, I want to do what the people I look up to do. I want to pour out into your people, to invest into building the community that you’ve commanded. I want to have the bandwidth to even lead others to faith and in faith. I want to help support my brothers and sisters in their walks with You.
I don’t want to keep struggling to simply obey the little things. I don’t want to keep struggling to simply attend Sunday service or bible study because I’m scared of people. I’m so scared of showing people my brokenness. I put up this facade of being vulnerable because I’m comfortable sharing about my life with words. I don’t like being seen, but I deal with it. I can t live life without ever being seen. But I’m so scared of being seen when I’m anything less than okay. I deal with being seen because there’s no reasonable alternative, but I don’t want to show anything less than okay. I’m struggling so much right now, and it’s so hard to seem okay, so I want to avoid being seen. Everything is hard, everything is a struggle, and I just want to… disappear.
It’s so hard to be present when my mind is filled with how I can fool others into believing that I’m okay. I might have struggles, but I’m still okay when fighting through them. It’s so hard to have the energy for people when my battles seem so overwhelming. My battles take up so much of my energy, and it s so hard to prioritize correctly. Simply surviving takes so much energy, that I can’t possibly do everything I want with the energy I have left. I want to care about people, take care of my responsibilities, and also work on healing, but there’s nowhere close to enough energy for that.
Abba, help.
I need help. I need so much help right now. Abba, help. Provide me clarity and discernment to be able to tell which parts are actually important and which things I can slack on.
“for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything” – 1 John 3:20
so God, you know everything. You know what I can handle and what I should let go. God, help me prioritize, tell me what is actually important and what I can be flexible with. I don’t want to hurt people around me. I don’t want to drop all my responsibilities (I like my independence). I wan’t to ignore healing, but I know I shouldn’t. So Lord, tell me what I should do.
Lord, guide me in your way.
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