i'm okay

written on January 29, 2020

I’m okay, even when I’m not okay. I’m okay because I’ve taught myself how to be okay. I’m okay because I’ve convinced myself that I need to be okay. And I realized that I’m okay with being broken.

Maybe that’s not the way to describe it. I’m okay with being in pain, and I’m okay with suffering. Physically, I have chronic pain in my wrists. There’s a base level of pain at all times that doesn’t go away and it only gets worse, never better. But I’m okay with it. I’ve told people around me, but I’m not desperate to have my wrists healed because I’ve gotten so used to the pain. I don’t even wish it to be gone.

I think I’m the same way for my spiritual health. I know that I’m hurt and I m broken, but I’m not in a desperate rush to get healed. Sometimes it’s overwhelming and I just wish it was gone, but oftentimes I find myself asking ‘why do I need to be healed? So what if I’m broken? So what if I’m in pain?’ In these times, the cost of healing—going back into my memories and facing the trauma—doesn’t seem like it’s worth being healed. I forget why I want to be healed and what it means to me. Honestly, I don’t think I know what it’s like to not be broken. But I know that when I was motivated to be healed, I know that my definition of being healed was that God could use my testimony for His glory. I’ve lost motivation and sight of why it’s important for me to be healed.

So why do I need to be healed?

I don’t have a clear answer yet, but I know God doesn’t want His child to stay in suffering.